Earn your rights

This time every year, I feel Veteran’s Day is nothing more than a “FEEL GOOD” day for those who have not served in the services. They only have to acknowledge vets one day out of the year, and then they can forget about them and carry on with the lives which the vets secured. What I find amazing is many of the people who praise us of this day in November are the same that criticize them the rest of the year, seeking to remove their benefits and to take the rights that those vets fought for away from the American people.

Veteran’s Days is a Feel Good Day for those who are too selfish to serve their country. We need mandatory service to earn the right to become a citizen of this country. Before one can vote, drive, drink, own a gun, or work government jobs, one must serve this proud nation in the armed forces for at least 3 years: Honorably.

Inside the Mind

 

PTSD….Need I say more

Bottle of Pills, Run for the hills

I had spent such a large part of my life in Germany I had grown accustomed to the extreme weather.  The summers warm in the low 90’s and the winters in the 20’s.  We enjoyed the snow and winters in the Alps.  I could manage my pain.  When I came under PCS orders to Savannah I thought nothing of the changes in the weather.  Hell I grew up in Georgia but I forgot about the volatile weather, the humidity, the thunder storms, the fluxuations between weather patterns.

Sunday it was 85 degrees and rainy.  That night, the temp dropped to 40 and the sky cleared.  The following morning, it was 50 with an expected high of 60.  My back and neck send pain throughout my body.  I had a blast headache like I had never had before.  Even today, I can hardly walk; I still see little color and my legs and arms are numb.  I miss more than ever the life I had in Germany.

It was simpler, less stress and I was able to manage my pain better.  I was accustomed to the weather but you would think after 1 year, I would be used to it here.  No! 

Yesterday, I also crashed again mentally.  It was not really the PTSD as much as the pain.  I would say my pain on a scale of 1 to 10 was close to 15.  I laid in bed until the medicine knocked me out crying, hoping I would die that night.  The nightmares returned despite the Alpha Blockers and fucked with me last night as well.

My Naked Life Behind the Camera

I live a naked life which started when I was very young. See I have always loved the camera but never knew the path it would take me. Being an artist, any medium held a message but photography had a different quality. It is a moment in time frozen as only I saw it allowing others to the world as only I see it.

Painting, sculpture, nor pen and pencil hold the power to capture the truth of the world as film as seen through the eye of an artist. It is a powerful tool and as I was in school during the late 80’s, the camera became my primary tool.

I started to shoot professionally in 1987 when I was hired by Front Cover Models, an Atlanta based agency run by a former Arleen Wilson model from New York City. I found a passion with Fashion Photography and started Aperture Studio’s. As time passed, this studio morphed as I merged with other studios, joined others, quite to work for experience with printing labs and moved around gaining experience.

But the industry is a political game and for years as I worked to break in, I was constantly improving my work but I was also finding I was not happy with the direction my life was heading. Suddenly an opportunity presented itself and I found myself on the road to the military. See, I was not satisfied with my life. Something was lacking but I did not know what it was and was willing to give up everything to find out who I was, so I sold my entire life (camera equipment), replacing it with a small Rico point and shoot camera. I the set out for Germany, headed for what I thought would be a 20 year journey.

1995 was a rebirth, I fell in love with Germany but later that year deployed to Hungary, and then into Bosnia. It was a Christmas to remember, one where I learned how fragile life is and how strong my will to survive can be. It became a rebirth where this artist stripped his shell and became naked, open to the sensations of life. Only I would be aware of this until much later in my life.

1998 brought another great change in my life, an accident in which I became a chronic pain suffer. It was to my surprise that my OT physician recommended I purchase a SLR and start taking photographs. His thoughts after talking to me were that it would be a great focus to help center my mind for pain management. He also felt it would help in my recovery.

I started to look for fashion models but in Manhattan Kansas? Instead I chose the nude female form since there were an abundance of young army wives and college students willing to get naked for the camera and for free. Even after my PCS back to Germany I continued to shoot the nude, filling my portfolio with images.

In 2000 after I was separated I restarted my photography but only on a part time bases. I started PPS International. At first I worked out of Atlanta and then when I got a job working in Hanau Germany, moved its operations to Germany. Its focus was fine art to erotic nudes for publication in Addition to freelance Editorial and Commercial photographer. This allowed me to post my work online, to present my work at the Frankfurt Book Fair and to have my work Published by Edition-Skylight. Yes, I have a book of my fine art and Erotic works in a book title Hot Babes. From front to back, I have filled this book with hot works of models from the former Eastern Bock Countries and this work was inspired from my experience in 1995 and 1998.

See, if I was not in Bosnia or if I was not injured in 1998, I would not have been place in a situation where I would have found the beauty in the erotic form of the female figure. I turn the perverse into art and took the porn out of the images, showing that love and respect can be presented even in the most guarded of subjects. It comes down to my new appreciation for life, to my new appreciation for my own and my love for the female form and respect for her.

Now I have suffered again in 2009, another setback in my life and my photography has taken another change. I am in the middle of full establishment of Troop Photography in Savannah servicing Atlanta, Miami, New York, Frankfurt, Prague, Paris and London. The work I produce is dark, shows the forgotten, passion for the gothic, focuses upon the unseen and shows passion of those who love. It is about emotion and new life.

To be a photographer today is exciting and I look forward to sharing my work with you. I encourage you to place take a look at my webpage. Here is some of my work. But of interest to you might be the works under Abstracts. These are in camera manipulations based upon my PTSD feelings. They gauged how I felt and I will admit, I can no longer shoot them, I have grown out of that 2 year period which is a healthy sign in my life.

Factors of the Mind Fuck

For the past 9 months, 6 factors have haunted me which in turn added to the burning urge to do the unthinkable. In fact there are 7. I neglect number 5 but it had a major impact and its contribution must be included. Then there is number 7 which I speak of little but which is has an overall impact upon my inner being. I often get these factors confused with one another as well as with minor factors in my life as they all spin in my head depending upon how I feel. The major 7 are:

1- 1995 – Young Stud, Young Blood
Oh I can still taste the young stud’s blood; sweet and warm. It was the first time I tasted someone else’s blood. It was like the first time you kill a deer, an odd excitement of being god. You go into a blood rage wanting more. I became god for I realized I can make life and I can take it away. Know what is crazy part is? It is way too easy. You do not have to think and humans are so fragile. You can even watch the life drain from the eyes. It is a sickening pleasure and that is why I think I have such problems, I enjoyed it.

2- 1998 – Table XII, no pain no gain
Within seconds, my life was transformed and I was made to repent for my sins. I created my purgatory and suffering by leaving myself in constant pain. A pain destined to only get worse as I get older. I should have died this day but I was forced to live with the pain and disabilities associated with it. I am also forced to listen to Dr’s talk about alternate pain methods and military’s aid not to mention the VA’s pre and post 911 transformation efforts. They try but the efforts are like a coke addict smoking pot, a good start, but still a connection to the past.

3- mTBI – III times the Pleasure and the cognitive phase
Associated with number 2, yes number 2 and boy do I feel fully constipated! So what the hell is this mess? This shit is defined as: “Moderate Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) occurs when an outside force traumatically injures the brain. TBI can cause a host of physical, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral effects, and outcome can range from complete recovery to permanent disability or death. Depending on the injury, treatment required may be minimal or may include interventions such as medications and emergency surgery”.

4- PTSD – The unexpected visions dead stud’s eyes
Mar 96 – Drink baby Drink
Aug 98 – Accident but drugged up and happy
Sep 00 – Kicked out, drugs out, drinking starts again
Feb 01 – Bloody eyes start coming to me in my dreams, every fucking night
Mar 01 – Wife leaves, seems I’m emotional, angry, moody
Mar 01 – 9mm goes pop, Point blank, missed leaving a round in the wall
Nov 01 – Move to Germany, life becomes stable, feel at peace but dreams continue
Jan 02 – Moods and Cognitive issues emerge at work, referred for treatment
Aug 02 – Reunited with my current wife, she stabilizes my mind, my thoughts
Nov 08 – Close down Hanau Military Community
Dec 08 – Move into hotel preparing for PCS to states, become edgy, moody again
Jan 09 – Start working at WTB, mood changes, become distant and withdrawn from family
Feb09 – Went gun shopping and wow, saw an AA12, its 100 round barrels looks good to me
Mar 09 – Forced to watch “Beyond the Front”, wow, this had a major negative affect due to my past.
Mar 09 – Fusion vs 18 log truck pulling back afraid of surviving
Mar 09 – Went gun shopping and still long for the Black Water AA12, got approved for order
Apr 09 – Sought help from WINN Army Hospital and the WTB. Denied
Apr 09 – Went for appointment at Savannah VA, received immediate care
Jun 09 – Bloody eyes still visit my dreams; I wake each night around 3 to 4 am
Oct 09 – With drugs, the eyes come only once and a while but now I do not wake up, oh shit!
Feb 10 – I will be saying GOOD BYE to Military and Civil Service.

5- PCS – Watching home from the window of a 777
I felt comfortable in Germany where I was not judged for whom I was or what I believed. I felt free and I had more freedoms that I have here in the US. WOW, that says something we should consider! I was cared for by the people and the medical community. The care I received was top notch and when there was a medical problem, I was taken seriously. There was no racism and I felt safer in my home. I closed down several military installations watching my connection to America depart and was feeling comfortable with the possibilities for remaining unaided by SOFA.

I almost remained in Europe but then chose to return to the US and took a PPP appointment. This was for a chance of giving something more to my family, something my kids has never had, the American dream. I based my decision upon what I remembered of the states back in 1995. But what I found is the freedom I help fight for, that I stood for, that I wore the uniform for had been stripped away, eroded over the past 14 years by political conservatism and religious fundamentalism.

It is no longer the free country I talked to my children of and even they noticed as they lost rights that they enjoyed in Europe. Even my children have lost freedoms in my choice to return to the Land of the free. We all found that Europe offers more freedom, more understand and less racism than America. We are homesick. I am sorry I brought my family here and feel guilty for my choice that robbed them; I feel I took them to CCCP, to a country where they have to be mindful of what they say, do and of what they believe. They have already been criticized for their beliefs and they are only 10.

Don’t you see what has become of our country or have the changes happened so slow you have become complacent to them? Or worse, have you allowed them willingly? The thing about the freedoms in our country is they are not for an individual but for all. If we abuse the freedoms, we lose the freedoms. There are some in our country who think since they have a right to do something, that they have the RIGHT to DO, and they abuse this right to the point of taking rights away from others. This abuse cannot be permitted and in the end, only results in the loss of freedoms for not only one but for many people within the country.

Freedom is a balance and we must balance them for the whole, not the single person, not for the single religious or extremist group. If we continue down the path we are currently headed, we will fall in the same manner as

6- Photography, welcome to the religious south.
I had to put away my camera and stop my photography. I had in Europe full artistic freedom which allowed me to publish a book or fine art nude and erotic photography through Edition-Skylight. I shot models from Russia, Czech Republic, France, and Germany. I could shoot them anywhere, any place. They were open minded and professional. Here, I have to well, I do not know, where are the quality professionals? Where can I shoot? Nudes forget it for the church will burn a cross upon my skull. I had to change my webpage and cannot exhibit some beautiful artwork and am almost afraid to show my commercial work from Europe.

Yes, Europeans are more open so some of my commercial work has topless women, but Americans act as if they have never seen a Tit before. But the state of Georgia rake number 9 in Adult Material Sales in the US. Hold on. Do not show it in an Art Gallery. Do not make it Art! Make it sleazy, demeaning to women and take it to the bathroom while the wife is not home, but keep this photographer and others hidden, heaven forbid they show the female body as something beautiful instead of a fuck toy! Religious and Conservative Hypocrites! I fear no more!!!!

7- Negative Work Environment
At this time, this is all I will comment upon. There were things that occurred and things still ongoing that affected my mood. Currently I do not care and have such a positive attitude, 1 for the drugs I am on and 2 for I have a date of departure and 3, I am going to rock this fucking county with my photography!

Ok, I ramble, but I wanted to put it out, for I was not detailed in the past. I also spoke about them to Not Alone but while speaking to Not Alone, I realized how angry I was, hell re-reading this, I still see how angry I am! I have a long way to go.

I have desires, thoughts, feelings that so many share. I am confused in my thoughts. I sometimes do not know who I am. I feel numb in life as if I am not a part of it. So while I am here, I will document it as I see it.  I am working on a new post where I will tell you some of how it is to go from a soldier to a photographer….I will hit on my past life as well but it is a dream and to be honest, I do not remember much. I lost a lot of my past memories, I have fragments and it comes and goes. But I will try.

Please feel free to leave comments, to visit my homepage (troopm.com) or to share this with your friends. I am obnoxious with my voice and talk about how I feel at the moment. Just remember, no animals were hurt in making this blog, just in making the man behind it.

How I feel today

Speaks for its self……..

Delerium – Angelicus

voices

They will not stop talking to me.  They will speak to one another, then to me, there are 3 or 4 and they are making my migraines worse.  The headaches are growing in intensity, the migraines in frequency.  But the voices, they started about a month ago and have become more distinct, but one is the most harsh.  I never remember what they say, I try to block them……

Damn they suck…..cannot win for loosing, just when I think I am gaining some ground some other thing comes up and fucks me up…..what the fuck is wrong, what am I missing, what screw did the army put in my head or am I really a mental case????

Sometimes have to wonder?  All those times the doctors and miltary told me to pullmy head out of my ass, it is all in my head, and that I am crazy, sometimes, I have to think they are right…..

Dreams

I am still having haunting dreams each night, memories of a past that are like pages of a book dripping with the blood of this sinner’s soul. Each night I struggled with heavy emotions and dread going to sleep knowing that my dreams will be so intense that I will awaken mid night.

I force myself to close my eyes and submit to this hell each evening but as the night approaches, I feel mood changes. I distance myself from people, from things, and I focus upon something other than life, or this life anyway. I choose my photography as it is like a snap of time, a forgotten moment which I can fall back into, forgetting for a moment where I am soon headed.

My escape has become a lens which freezes the beauty of this world as I see it. I have become a man detached, floating between this life and the one calling me. I walk this fine line capturing what I see to share with others in hopes of presenting to them visions of what they cannot see.

It amazes me how many people live without seeing what is really here. They have forgotten how to see as they live their lives, taking so much for granted, living such shallow and unfulfilled lives rushing around like rates in a maze.

If only they would take off their shoes and walk outside one night while the sky is clear. Walk into the grass and close their eyes and raise their chin to the sky. Would they feel it? The light? The warmth? Just think, they would be bathing in the light of a billion stars but would it empower them or make them feel insignificant?

Dream well tonight!

Going to School Naked

September 3rd, a wonderful day I did not have. I sat at my desk and for about an hour, was unable to do anything, not because I was lazy or distracted nor did my computer crash. It was not because of excessive noise or even my migraine. I was having a serious migraine. My neck, back, hand, arm and both legs hurt but I am used to that as it is my daily life. I am able to work around those days.

But I was having a day which does not come often, a day when my cognitive skills fail. Once in a blue moon there are moments where I go stupid, when I cannot remember how to read, to do math, where the basics go out the window and memory is something I do not have. No it is not Alzheimer’s but worse, a cognitive dysfunction associated with mTBI.

The first time I had this was 2 weeks after my accident. Normally this happens when it does not matter but on this day, it occurred when I had too military officers breathing down my neck. It was embarrassing, like going to school naked

No worries, it is treatable not that they (the military and the VA) understand mTBI after so many years of this conflict. So as of the 1st of September, I am now recognized as having a mTBI (finally) so maybe the end to all this will be sight. It just raised my mind up a notch from it pit of depression.

Let’s keep this on this path. Even though I had a downer, an embarrassing moment, I recognize the positive to come from it. I just hope that people will just start to gain an understanding and compassion for VETs like myself and what we go through.

Again I have to say this, I work for a WTB, and they are complacent to the needs of the Wounded and the VET despite their years of medical training. I have an outsider’s eye to this operation and as a wounded soul, I see they will only learn they day they too become like me and are entered into this program. Only then will they have an understanding to make a change.

Wow, did I get off the subject again, my mind races doesn’t it!

I have conquered my feelings

I have conquered my feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide.  Hell Ya and it was one hell of a journey, one I do not wish to repeat. Still I have moments of depression but no longer do I have issues with wanting to blow my head off or going postal in a fire fight filled with adrenaline the rush of combat.  Thoughts like those bring back feeling of once again being god, knowing you might die but not knowing when.  But also knowing that you hold the lives of others in your hand. This is what draws so many VETS to this form of suicide, like suicide by cop.  It does not take a smart man to think of it, guess that is why the army still has not put 2 and two together yet.

But “I” have gained control of that within myslef dark demon and placed it away. For anyone else who has felt those feelings, who have gone through the same issues I have written about in the BLOG, you know you might conquer those feelings but for some reason you must remain vigilant.  I do not think those demons are forever gone as they become a part of you, of the new you.

I still have to address my PTSD and medical issues but I feel strong now and see light at the end of the tunnel. I have set a goal of removing myself from the military and have picked up my camera again. The past 7 months have brought a new and more powerful photographer out and I am ready to show the world who I am, who I have become.  I have also started a book about my military journeys called “My Journey through Hell’s Gates” which will include images from my photographic essay about PTSD.

There were 6 major factors in my life that contributed to my feelings of hopelessness and by using this blog, I was able to identify them and work through them one by one. I still have much more work to do but found that communication is a wonderful tool.  The major problem I see is the military does not know how to communicate with its soldiers well and when I sought help, closed doors in my face.  It was not until I was on the verge of final collapse that they saw a problem and attempted some aid but by that time, the VA had taken control, seeing that the army once again failed one of its own.  After all, not only am I a VET, I am an ex- soldier (should I have to say that?) and I am a DoD Civilian working for the DA.

It is a multi directional path of communication that is required to treat these soldiers suffering from mental issues such as PTSD, mTBI and Suicidal issues.  Sorry to put it this way army dudes but OCS makes you communication stupid.  Knowing this, when I crashed and when I was turned away by the army for help, so I had to seek other ways to express myself, a ways to be heard in the hope of finding someone to listen and maybe in the hope of finding extra help.  To my amazement, this help came from some odd places. My Blog but praised by the Navy and was was contacted by several commanders.  One Naval Officer has emailed me about his similar situations and feelings.  The Coast Guard Command sent me several emails of support and DoD linked me to a site for Military Health and asked me to participate in a forum of the stigma on PTSD.

DoD welcomed my attempt to communicate through this Blog but then came criticism from the army.  I received in my AKO an email from DoD Information Assurance, Special Operations Division requesting my closure of my BLOG.  I did not register my BLOG as I was required to.  Well, I somehow to them am still listed as a NCO.  Once that was cleared up, I was just pissed. 

See, one of my six factors I am working on is my anger towards the army fro the way I was treated with my injuries, my MEB, and during the closure of Hanau, how this PCS was just a crap on the guy.  I am too nice and did not stand up for myself enough against the brass I guess but in the long run since 1998 when I got injured, the organization has failed over and over again.

The worse part is I am an army brat, 4th Generation and I have 4 other realitives in the army as I speak. My father was one of the 6 (a true Sigmund) in Vietnam working to treat soldiers suffering from shell shock. He was an army doctor, a psychiatrist. My father told me that the army was a great place to serve as long as you do not have a mind of your own. The army does not know how to communicate and does not listen he would often tell me. One of his biggest issues with West Point and the commissioned corps was they teach you not to listen to troops, to shut out the concerns. You cannot conduct a mission if you listen or care about those you are about to send to die. The bad part, the medical officers feel the same way……

Still, though I am pissed, I count down the days and I feel great. I still have healing to do but I am free of the thought that took me to the brink of the dark abyss. I am my own god, I could have created anything from my own death but I have much more to create out of this life. My made a goal………104! yes, 104, that is one hot birthday cake…imagine what you can do whit that wax! wink wink, say no more!