I have noticed over the past few months, my spelling, my math and comprehension skills have slipped massively. My attention span is minimal and I often fade in and out at work forgetting what I am doing. I thought it might be the meds but then I looked at medical reports dating back to my accident at FT Riley in 1998.
I suffered 3 massive blows to the head from a loaders hatch from an m1a1. I suffered an mTBI before they were fashionable. Still with all the knowledge today, the VA refuses to call my injury an mTBI, just a traumatic concussion because it was not caused in a “combat zone”. Wow……
But anyway, the report showed a decrease in cognitive skills. In 2003, there was improvement and another set of testing during my VA appeal in 2006 showed improvement but errors which could hamper employment in current field of illustration. I worked around and overcame these difficulties.
Now though I have issues writing simple BLOG post effectively without help from my wife and my work is affected. For instance, I wrote a comment today on suicide prevention in the army. I read over it multiple times to ensure I did not sound like an idiot because of who might read it. In the end, I sounded like a fool, errors littered the comment. How can I explain my issues, sound like a rational person and fight for a better understanding of this issue and for my own personal health if I cannot focus in a clear manner?
The medication I am on helps clear….no, it helps focus my mind……so I am able to see more clearly and recognize my actions and interactions with others. I can see or now have an idea how I might appear to others, as a messed up piece of shit.
There are moments when I will switch, just suddenly blink and become someone else. It is like I forget where I am, I become paranoid, my brain will just switch off and I feel as if I just want to escape. I have no control and often do not really know it is happening until I am recovering from my change in behavior.
My wife sees my expression change and has noticed that I will repeat myself or act confused. She even mentioned that my expression looks like I am disgusted. What impression must this give to those I encounter? And I am trying to start a business so I can leave the army and relieve myself of some of the reminders of my past.
There has been no rhyme or reason to when I experience these switches and they are becoming more frequent. They are affecting the wife I love so dearly which means it most likely is affecting my children. This hurts me so and makes me so fucking mad at the military for creating the man I have become over the last few months.
Last night while reviewing the new photographic exhibit I have produced outlining my mental anguish, I realized I have been suffering this HELL for years subconsciously but it took this PCS to FT Stewart for this PTSD to surface in full force.
Now I just want to get stoned, to get drunk, to forget for just one night…just to enjoy a painless moment in time…but the military is on a witch hunt…looking for both civilians and Soldiers…looking for those doing wrong, to rid them before they can claim benefits. The piss cup is waiting with my name on it! I feel it. It is bad enough that they are trying to get me to resign because I felt suicidal not long ago. Now they question everything I do looking for reason to fire me, and many others, in light of of TDA downsizing.
Sometimes I switch, I blink into another time, it is like phasing out of this reality for a moment. Maybe it is my brain trying to save my sanity from the onslaught of reality.
Americans for the most part have forgotten what the 4th means. But for me, it mean a night of fear as I wait for the next rocket or loud crack of a fire work to remind me of the sound of the round penetrating the young mans scull. Yes it also reflect the day we declared our independence from the British but it is also a day for many VETS when the sounds of the celebrations bring reminders of combat.
The video was number 1 on Youtube the week of her murder (now removed).
It is the eyes which draw you in; the eyes of the dying. Those are the eyes I have seen every night for almost 15 years. They haunt my life and my soul but it seems to me that it makes those who have never killed curious into the rolls of the Creator and Satan.
I will be honest; I sat and watched the video as well several times in hopes of finding resolution to my demons. But still each night I see above me, a face shatter like a bloody balloon while the eyes stare into my soul and I watch life’s sparkle fade away in a moment of fear, like you see in the image above.
Out of all the memories I am asked to remember, it is only those few moments that remain unchanged, the remainder fade and change like normal life’s events, insignificant to who I have become, but the moments of hand to hand, of the struggle for life and the moment of death and rebirth remain a haunting and unchanged memory.
Each night I see those eyes and they wake me, religiously around 0330 as a reminder of my sin. Is it my guilt, my own internal suffering as my children reach the age of the young soldier I once faced and defeated in battle or is he haunting my life as a reminder to ensure I do right to correct my path, ensuring I keep my promise not to take another life? As I have delved into my issues, sure I have wanted to as this would stop the pain I suffer and to put an end to so much. But, I also know it is not the answer. Still it is hard not to fall into the grips of depression when you see those eyes night after night and feel the weight of the body upon your which wakes you from your sleep like a sudden jolt.
So maybe he is engaging me in combat, haunting me to my death? Well if it is a fight he wants, I will once again be victorious. See, when I fought this young lad the first time, he changed my life. There was no at war, we (the US army) were bring peace to a warring nation under the Dayton Accords. We were the good guys who took no sides. But on the 24th of Dec, I learned to hate a people, a religion, and an ideology because of the actions of a 15 year old and his father who took up arms in a church. So I have a great deal of anger to throw into the ring with this lad.
But the eyes are hunting. When death is sudden and unexpected, the express fear and then fade as life departs. When you gaze upon dead eyes, your life changes. You become more appreciative to what life has for you and the beauty surrounding you.
Now for those who do not really understand what living with PTSD is like, imagine my case by looking at the image above, then closing your eyes and imagining waking up each night with that image in your mind. Imagine having to cause that pain to someone’s child and then years later, raising your own…..
So, let me get this straight. We have been at war, fighting terror which man has been trying to win for 5,000 years. We have been loosing like the Russians in Afghanistan during their 8 year war and we have turned the world against our once proud nation. We have subjected our soldiers to a terrorism greater than just combat — you know, like seeing the faces of their friends dislodged from their skulls from IEDs or a well placed sniper bullet. Now someone is going to have the balls to say, hey, “alcohol abuse by GIs soars since ‘03”. What about the other escape, illicit drug addiction, manic rage and Suicide?
“We’re seeing a lot of alcohol consumption,” Gen. Peter Chiarelli, the Army’s vice chief of staff, told top officers during a briefing on the Army’s growing number of suicides.
In an interview last week, Marine Corps Sgt. Maj. Carlton Kent said alcohol abuse is an indication of the stress, particularly with the ongoing cycle of combat deployments. “Alcohol can tie into a lot of things, and we’re just keeping a close eye on it,” Kent said.
Concerns about alcohol abuse led Chiarelli to issue a memo in May urging commanders to treat and, where necessary under Army rules, punish soldiers who test positive for substance abuse or fail blood-alcohol tests. During a visit to six Army installations this year, Chiarelli said, he found hundreds of cases where soldiers who failed those tests, in some cases more than once, were not treated for the problem or processed for possible discharge, as required by Army regulation.
Chiarelli said identifying and treating substance and alcohol abuse will help improve the Army’s mental health care and curb suicides, which reached a record 142 cases in 2008. There have been 82 confirmed or suspected suicides this year among active-duty, compared with 51 for the same period in 2008.
Lt. Col. George Wright, an Army spokesman, said the good news is that the alcohol statistics show more soldiers are seeking help.
Problem: Units are trying to work with SMs on abuse issues but the Army is TOO quick to punish before seeking treatment. Commanders, knowing this, work with the SM through open resources trying to get him help and without scaring the SM. If the SM becomes scared of the punishment, then he will not seek help, his issues will be bottled, the abuse will get worse until either it is too late, he is caught, he kills someone or he kills himself. See, most military programs instill fear of self referral (especially the chaplains office and ASAP) so the member does not go to those resources. He goes to those he trusts, to those who he would die for, being his comrades in arms! These men know him better than anyone else. After all, there are no wall in hell!
But in Garrison, the high BDE commanders like their butt licked and to see only favorable numbers. Unfortunately the truth does not come in the form of a green mark on a PPT chart. What is important is the OER, that rating which will bring them the next rank. If there is an issue, that CPT will pay for it – it is someone else problem so lets punish,not try to fix. Why find out why there is a problem? Just get those soldiers out of the army and let them fend for themselves or let the VA fix it if we do not take all their rank away and dishonorably discharge them for serving their county and coming back with mental problems…..
See, this is how I see the BDE Commanders thoughts….out of perspective. This is how I see the comments of those listed above, lost in the eyes of a complacent child, lost in time and out of touch with the true issue of why these SMs might be having such issues and why they might find trust in their command and not in the garrison functions set in place to treat and punish them for their failings.
Maybe it is time to take these BDE CDRs, Full Birds, and one and two stars, throw them into a Hummer with a m16 for a week of front line, door to door night ops outside the green zone. Maybe if we loose one or two or if they suffer a little PTSD or a mTBI or two, DC might smarten up for once. I really think it has lost its focus.
I once had faith in several officers who mentored me in my early years. I want to know what happened to the Curran’s, Bell’s, Casey’s, Abram’s and Mig’s of my day!
I found this wonderful blog which had 5 Dr Phil shows which in part slammed the VA for its failure to support and care for the VETs but after about two weeks of thought, I have to admit that Dr Phil has this only partially right. See, for the past 10 years, I have endured the wonders of the VA system, both the good and bad sides but the good Ole doc has failed to identify something critical in his argument in the healthcare of the servicemen.
I have faced a flawed VA system since 2000. Flawed not by its own fault but due to poor funding, governmental downsizings resulting from DoD right sizing following the Gulf War and red tape put in place by republican initiated policy meant to curb big DEM government. But as Bush’s war for oil and on Terror got under way, pressure from the Democrats forced him to overturn some of his VA budget cuts. As a result, the VA was once again able to hire PCMs and other specialists in once vacant positions and started to provide services that often took months to schedule.
Suddenly, VETS world wide no longer had to wait 18 months for an appointment but there was a huge influx of wounded being released at a rapid rate from the armed forces, which still strained the newly structured VA system. It seems the war was taking a higher toll of human lives and well being than the administration led the American people to believe it would.
In addition, the administration was holding the VA Chief accountable for his performance, a rating which not only reflected upon his OER but would reflect upon his department’s funding for the upcoming year. Show improvements, receive funding but show inability to handle the PTSD and suicide rates and funding will have to be reconsidered. Of course numbers will be skewed.
But the problem is not the VA. See, for the last two weeks, I have been very ill with service connected issues and the VA has jumped to help me get seen when the cancer scare surfaced last week. The VA has also helped me greatly with my PTSD, helping me find direction to my anger issues, my thoughts of suicide and to help me find solutions to my long term medical conditions which are hampering my ability to manage my life in a productive manner. They are a great help to those who know the system, who are in the system and seek help. They are here to help and provide us a service above expectations and far above that which I encountered in 2000.
So how does this and Dr. Phil’s comments in the last December’s videos intermingle? Simple! I am a VET and I am a civil servant working with the WTB (Warrior Transition Battalion) and I see how the military is failing its service members by expediting the separation of the WT (warrior in transition) before adequate treatment is provided and by rushing the servicemen through separation. This covers the military’s ass from possible charges of another gulf war syndrome and puts full care of the VET in the hands of the VA.
The VA just has to find out what additional issues the Service member might have that the Army has not uncovered or failed to diagnose or tried to discourage or better yet, persuaded to the SM to hide. See, the WTB is intimidating for the WT and the care and service providers tend to lie to the soldier daily, misleading them of their rights.
The service members are being separated too fast and this is placing a burden on the VA. The VA is not getting the funding it should be while the military is pumping millions into the WTBs under GWOT. This money is being misused and my take, this money should be placed in the hands of the VA, removed from DoD hands and used for the wounded.
Dr. Phil cares about the troops, but I think his report did a grave injustice to the VA. He needs to refocus more on the military’s role in rehabilitation. The MIL MED System plays a roll and it is not as golden as they want you to think.
I received a comment I want to share with you: “There is a debate right now where you can share your experiences in seeking mental health care (both negative and positive ) with the leaders of the Military Health System. They are interested in hearing from service members, and you can post anonymously if you prefer“.
Click on the image below to go to the forum or the link at the end of the excerpt taken from their site. I will participate and thank then for sharing this information with me and I hope that others will follow suit. Tomorrow, I will start sharing this information with Soldiers at the WTB as well for I fell this subject is more serious than the leadership is taking it.
” Many service members who need and deserve proper mental health care fear negative consequences or perceptions and take no action to seek treatment. Troops struggling with stress, anxiety, or depression may not visit a mental health care provider because they think their buddies or command will treat them differently for doing so. Some may not realize that they may have a problem. This stigma persists as a barrier to providing help to those who need mental health care in all populations, not just in the military.
There is no shame in seeking help. Many military leaders have come forward to talk about their own experiences with post-traumatic stress or depression and how they have benefited from help they have received. A wealth of mental health programs and services have been created by DoD and partnering organizations.“ READ MORE
This video is a prime example of how many people, including some military officers I work / have worked with, view Soldiers and Vets like myself. There are some Military Officers that feels that PTSD is an over blown issue, an excuse for many to get out of work.
Log 30May2009: The sound of the Drums brought the battle to my door steps in full force: it raged without mercy into the early morn, allowing for little peaceful sleep. My thoughts raced with planning, coupled with visions of god like acts, past, present and future. Rage, hate and anger filled my soul and I felt my life force turn cold.
During this battle, the drums beat steady and at my side were minimal munitions. I felt as if I entered this fight like that British Soldier in Afghanistan, with only my boxers and flip-flops on but ready to make a stand with honor (Although my boxers are black since I still have Goth running through my veins).
On my side was one number, one I could not use. It was of the VA has a mental hotline for Vets like me. I tried to call multiple times but the stigma of the past (both military and VA) still linger. Will I be considered a pussy? Crazy? How will I be perceived by those I talk to? Will my work know? How will they think of me? And after Friday’s speech by the battalion commander about the organization not being about me but the team, what then?
Now all I can do is count the days until I can remove myself from civil service. I have had 7 years of over achievement in both the GS and NSPS systems, then come here to the WTB and cannot keep my head afloat. This just adds to my issues as I now feel a failure, unable to provide to this organization the knowledge and abilities I gained while serving overseas in Germany.
Well as Sunday came to a close, the drums still beat in my head but the sound is not as prominent as they were the day before. I still am engaged in this battle but feel it shall be deemed a draw. There can be no victors this weekend. This was the worst of all the fights so far and I know that this is just the beginning of the journey I am to undergo.
I want to leave you with this: I now know how Soldiers, those you read about in Iraq, Afghanistan and here at home, can snap and go on rampages, killing without cause or regreat. All I will say is that PTSD and the Military leadership work as a catalyst for disaster. The VET has no control, just training, opportunity and vengeance.
I am a photographer, an ex-soldier, and a disabled vet who suffers from PTSD. This blog is about my fight and a tool for my healing in hopes of not only helping myself gain my life back but to help others know they are not alone while they fight similar battles and that these battles can be won, one day at a time. I gave my heart and soul to the military, now I am taking my life back.
Please, if you have similar stories, and want to share them, post a comment. I you do not want to share your name, let me know and I will I comply with your wishes as outlined under HIPPA.
As Soldiers and VETS, we share this fight together and are there for one another, even without the BDU/ACUs. Peace!
