By now you know of the Iranian woman Neda
So this image comes as no suprise to you
The video was number 1 on Youtube the week of her murder (now removed).
It is the eyes which draw you in; the eyes of the dying. Those are the eyes I have seen every night for almost 15 years. They haunt my life and my soul but it seems to me that it makes those who have never killed curious into the rolls of the Creator and Satan.
I will be honest; I sat and watched the video as well several times in hopes of finding resolution to my demons. But still each night I see above me, a face shatter like a bloody balloon while the eyes stare into my soul and I watch life’s sparkle fade away in a moment of fear, like you see in the image above.
Out of all the memories I am asked to remember, it is only those few moments that remain unchanged, the remainder fade and change like normal life’s events, insignificant to who I have become, but the moments of hand to hand, of the struggle for life and the moment of death and rebirth remain a haunting and unchanged memory.
Each night I see those eyes and they wake me, religiously around 0330 as a reminder of my sin. Is it my guilt, my own internal suffering as my children reach the age of the young soldier I once faced and defeated in battle or is he haunting my life as a reminder to ensure I do right to correct my path, ensuring I keep my promise not to take another life? As I have delved into my issues, sure I have wanted to as this would stop the pain I suffer and to put an end to so much. But, I also know it is not the answer. Still it is hard not to fall into the grips of depression when you see those eyes night after night and feel the weight of the body upon your which wakes you from your sleep like a sudden jolt.
So maybe he is engaging me in combat, haunting me to my death? Well if it is a fight he wants, I will once again be victorious. See, when I fought this young lad the first time, he changed my life. There was no at war, we (the US army) were bring peace to a warring nation under the Dayton Accords. We were the good guys who took no sides. But on the 24th of Dec, I learned to hate a people, a religion, and an ideology because of the actions of a 15 year old and his father who took up arms in a church. So I have a great deal of anger to throw into the ring with this lad.
But the eyes are hunting. When death is sudden and unexpected, the express fear and then fade as life departs. When you gaze upon dead eyes, your life changes. You become more appreciative to what life has for you and the beauty surrounding you.
Now for those who do not really understand what living with PTSD is like, imagine my case by looking at the image above, then closing your eyes and imagining waking up each night with that image in your mind. Imagine having to cause that pain to someone’s child and then years later, raising your own…..
