The medication I am on helps clear….no, it helps focus my mind……so I am able to see more clearly and recognize my actions and interactions with others. I can see or now have an idea how I might appear to others, as a messed up piece of shit.
There are moments when I will switch, just suddenly blink and become someone else. It is like I forget where I am, I become paranoid, my brain will just switch off and I feel as if I just want to escape. I have no control and often do not really know it is happening until I am recovering from my change in behavior.
My wife sees my expression change and has noticed that I will repeat myself or act confused. She even mentioned that my expression looks like I am disgusted. What impression must this give to those I encounter? And I am trying to start a business so I can leave the army and relieve myself of some of the reminders of my past.
There has been no rhyme or reason to when I experience these switches and they are becoming more frequent. They are affecting the wife I love so dearly which means it most likely is affecting my children. This hurts me so and makes me so fucking mad at the military for creating the man I have become over the last few months.
Last night while reviewing the new photographic exhibit I have produced outlining my mental anguish, I realized I have been suffering this HELL for years subconsciously but it took this PCS to FT Stewart for this PTSD to surface in full force.
Now I just want to get stoned, to get drunk, to forget for just one night…just to enjoy a painless moment in time…but the military is on a witch hunt…looking for both civilians and Soldiers…looking for those doing wrong, to rid them before they can claim benefits. The piss cup is waiting with my name on it! I feel it. It is bad enough that they are trying to get me to resign because I felt suicidal not long ago. Now they question everything I do looking for reason to fire me, and many others, in light of of TDA downsizing.
Sometimes I switch, I blink into another time, it is like phasing out of this reality for a moment. Maybe it is my brain trying to save my sanity from the onslaught of reality.
