Log 11July2009: What would you do if you knew you were going to die? For instance, if you found yourself on a plane going down in a canyon some sunny afternoon. Would you scream or just close your eyes and think about the life you lived?
The sound of the Drums came to my door last night as I slept. The young man I shot came to me, lead me onto a plane, sat me down and said “let me show you something”. We flew though a valley at 20.000 feet, twisting and turning looking at the river below and at the homes which sat upon the mountain side. Then the pilot said ”on your right is the home of ______”. I cannot remember the name but it was profound, something which connects many peices of a puzzle to which I much finish. Her statement made my heart jump and then I looked at the young mans face which was now covered with blood, as it was the last moments I saw him before his body fell upon mine. He smiled at me as I turned and looked back out the window at the river, the mountains and watched the plane while we turned back and forth through the valley.
Then as I watched, the plane slowly banked to the right while the pilot talked about the people who lived in the homes. Slowly I felt the plane roll further and further until it began to roll over into a dive. The ground below came streaking forward and I heard the young man’s voice say as he sat next to me, ”it will happen soon”. Then I just sat back and closed my eyes and grasp the arm rest of the of the chair. I heard the sound of the engines and then felt calm, all went quiet as I suddenly woke in a cold sweat with my heart pounding.
Unlike the last time I heard the drums, this time I was forced to think about my own desire for life and my own mortality. There are still days when I struggle with life and the desire to walk amongst the living and my desire to take vengeance upon others. But there are days when life means so much, when life is so dear. Thank goodness the later is more prominent!!!
This dream was so harsh, real, and enlightening. It was an odd battle with an old adversary. I do not know whether or not to thank him to or hate him further for his continued torment. All I know when my death comes; I will close my eyes and smile. I will not scream, I will not panic, no matter what lies afterwards for I know in the end I would have lived my life well.
Well, to think of it, though it has been hard, I am winning this fight, just some days are hard but in the end, I think I have made it past the hardest part……I just hope I do not relapse like I did in Feb, Mar and Apr. Those were the hardest months of my life and have truly altered my life, the way I view the military and how I will live life!
http://www.StressProject.org is a national study demonstrating the effectiveness of EFT for PTSD, in order to get the data needed to show the VA that real healing is possible for vets suffering from PTSD. It is a simple meridian-based therapy that is very effective, (also check out http://www.emofree.com for a video demonstrating its use with vets), but it has been very challenging getting vets to come into the study. Anything you can do to help let them know that this help is available would be greatly appreciated.