This is a delayed post from 2 weekends past but worthy of posting due to its relevant information into my mind and to the influences that have shaped some of the thought processes I have been undergoing. There is much more to my situation than just visions of a hand to hand combat situation or anger over a traumatic combat related accident.
There is medical malpractice, medical complacency, VA issues, continuous pain which is continuously questioned by medical professionals, refusal of the medical community to acknowledge my mTBI or PTSDand many other issues when combined, add to a complex set of issues that together, fuck with one’s mind.
This post was written 15th of July.
I have spent nearly a decade and a half fighting issues resulting from my military service. To me almost seems an eternity. In many ways, I have forgotten what it is like to live without pain and often just forget, doing things I know I should not only to pay the price later.
After 14 years fighting demons as a result from my deployment in to the Balkans and 11 years fighting pain resulting from injuries suffered from a combat related training accident, a toll has been taken upon my soul. But it was was not until the last 6 months that I realized how deep the scares ran. My PTSD had initially had been masked by my increased alcohol consumpson but after I was hurt, it was masked by my focus upon my physical struggles. At first, those injuries seemed minor, but as time lapsed, the severity of the mTBI, the crush injury and the fall to the bottom of the turret were revealed.
Over time I learned to live with my pain while the doctors and others around me questioning its legitimacy. From the exterior, I looked fine, no missing legs or arms and I did not show the pain I was in. Afterall, to show ones pain is a sign of weakness. I still believe that today.
My brain scans looked normal. Just a few discs are out of place here and there, a bone fragment here, a splinter there, a pinched nerve there but nothing to explain the pain I was in or the issues I experienced. As far as the doctors are concerned, nothing to worry about, the pain would go away in a year or two. I am still waiting!
The suddenly Bush’s war comes around and everyone is coming home with the same thing I suffered some 8 years before. Wow, now the doctors listen when there is more than one. Some 15,000 plus have something like i have and they name it mTBI. Everyone is on the band waggon, new treatments, new tests, new drugs but can I get help? No and why might you ask? Because I was not hurt in theater so to the majority of docs in the military and VA, I do not have a mTBI. I shit a brick when I read that in my medical records. Still, I am no longer alone. And I have an answer to my headaches and pain, I endured a Moderate Brain Injury.
There always comes a point to when the mind weakens, where the breaking point is reached and this came this past March. I finally broke down and a battle rage within me but not on one, but on two fronts. My mind focused around my PTSD as you have read within my last several posts and throughout my body as the pain increased as you will soon learn. I am no longer able to mentally control and manage both as my mind has become weak. It is as if my body is fighting WW-III.
Mentally this past weekend I gained ground and some understanding of who I am becoming but the war of my body brought me to me knees. This in the end just wears me down as if I am loosing my battles. See, I felt great Sunday morning but as the day dragged on, the weather was started to take its toll starting with a blast migraine with a back ache. When Monday came, I kept feeling the in weather as the migraine escalated. This lowered my guard and out came the issues associated with my PTSD and suddenly I am fighting two battles.
Two battles are being wagged and then I balance negative work issues, a normal family life, a household all while trying to start a business in order aid my removal from military life. All these aspects of my life create an elaborate interference pattern in my surreal life which often compounds my ability to focus upon any one of my critical issues, yet alone to focus mentally upon both of them successfully.
So with a migraine which on a scale of 1 to 10, maxed out at a 15, the blistering heat of the day, a lust to enter the Pawn shops that line the parkway entering post, massive back pain, burning legs, and massive anxiety, I started to shake, feel antsy and started to break down. I went from a wonderful day Sunday, to a moderate day on Monday to a damn hard day Tuesday with all those fucking emotions raging throughout my mind, seemingly from out of nowhere.
Since the last few days seemed so positive, then why did I revert suddenly? Right now I kind of have a smirk on my since the thoughts seem pleasurable but at the same time, they were disgraceful. What would happen to those I love if I were to follow through with the things I sometimes think? Who would I be and what kind of man would I be?
Well I want to ask you a few things:
1: Have you ever killed someone? Could you live with yourself if you had? What if you were forced to kill someone and what if that someone was a teenager?
2: If you had to live your life in constant pain, would you or would you decide that well, today, I have had enough? If no one believed you and doctors told you it is in your mind or the only thing you found that helped was not good for your health and was illegal, what would you do?
3: Now what if you had to live with both?
Sometimes it just wears you thin. You just want it to end but these thoughts are selfish aren’t they. Sometimes the pain is so damn great and the images within the mind are so vivid, you cannot describe it to someone who has never experienced it for themselves. It is unlike anything else in life I have ever gone through and wish it upon no one, not even my worst enemy.
It is only when I talk to other VETs that I feel like I belong. They know, they understand with little explanation. But try to tell the person you love and all she knows is she misses the man she loves.
I do not get much sleep. I can sleep for 8 hours but I feel exhausted when I wake. Every night, my mind waked me between 0330 and 0445 in a cold sweat. My sleep study showed that the moment I enter REM, my body wakes me up suddenly, allowing me little rest. That explains why when my child cries on the other side of the house, I jump to my feet as if a bomb just went off.
So I encounter strange visions, horrible thoughts, mental distress, pain down my legs that are like burning flames, pain in my lower back like a knife is being embedded within the bones. My neck pops and burns like hot oil is being poured upon it. My left arm is having its skin pealed off while I still feel my left hand being crushed when the weather changes. I have a migraine 24-7 while the back of my skull feels like a flame thrower is burning through the back of my skull into the back of my eyes. And the doctors tell me all this is in my head and that the pain will go away one day. After 11 years I have lost faith in them.
I know I have a mTBI. 3 major impacts by the vision block of a 180 pound loaders hatch being explosively thrown against the back of my skull did something. It was not recognized when it happened to me, so why can’t they recognize it now?
Maybe that’s it, my issue today. With the pain I am in! It is almost 11 years, well 11 years at 1330 on August 20th. With all the endless series of medical excuses from the army, civilian doctors and VA, all I could think today was “give me a gun. It could not hurt as bad as this fucking headache”. I even thought if I would do it, I would do it in the hospital itself to make a statement, but then how stupid would that be, how selfish would that be… because at home, there are 4 people very special to me whom I love more than anything. How selfish am I to think of such a thing, to make them suffer just because I am losing my strength today and am too weak to hold on another day! Those thoughts keep me trucking on, opening my eyes day after day. Yes being a father I guess has saved me and made this shit worth it after all… Still it is hard to keep these thoughts out of the head.
