I have conquered my feelings

I have conquered my feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide.  Hell Ya and it was one hell of a journey, one I do not wish to repeat. Still I have moments of depression but no longer do I have issues with wanting to blow my head off or going postal in a fire fight filled with adrenaline the rush of combat.  Thoughts like those bring back feeling of once again being god, knowing you might die but not knowing when.  But also knowing that you hold the lives of others in your hand. This is what draws so many VETS to this form of suicide, like suicide by cop.  It does not take a smart man to think of it, guess that is why the army still has not put 2 and two together yet.

But “I” have gained control of that within myslef dark demon and placed it away. For anyone else who has felt those feelings, who have gone through the same issues I have written about in the BLOG, you know you might conquer those feelings but for some reason you must remain vigilant.  I do not think those demons are forever gone as they become a part of you, of the new you.

I still have to address my PTSD and medical issues but I feel strong now and see light at the end of the tunnel. I have set a goal of removing myself from the military and have picked up my camera again. The past 7 months have brought a new and more powerful photographer out and I am ready to show the world who I am, who I have become.  I have also started a book about my military journeys called “My Journey through Hell’s Gates” which will include images from my photographic essay about PTSD.

There were 6 major factors in my life that contributed to my feelings of hopelessness and by using this blog, I was able to identify them and work through them one by one. I still have much more work to do but found that communication is a wonderful tool.  The major problem I see is the military does not know how to communicate with its soldiers well and when I sought help, closed doors in my face.  It was not until I was on the verge of final collapse that they saw a problem and attempted some aid but by that time, the VA had taken control, seeing that the army once again failed one of its own.  After all, not only am I a VET, I am an ex- soldier (should I have to say that?) and I am a DoD Civilian working for the DA.

It is a multi directional path of communication that is required to treat these soldiers suffering from mental issues such as PTSD, mTBI and Suicidal issues.  Sorry to put it this way army dudes but OCS makes you communication stupid.  Knowing this, when I crashed and when I was turned away by the army for help, so I had to seek other ways to express myself, a ways to be heard in the hope of finding someone to listen and maybe in the hope of finding extra help.  To my amazement, this help came from some odd places. My Blog but praised by the Navy and was was contacted by several commanders.  One Naval Officer has emailed me about his similar situations and feelings.  The Coast Guard Command sent me several emails of support and DoD linked me to a site for Military Health and asked me to participate in a forum of the stigma on PTSD.

DoD welcomed my attempt to communicate through this Blog but then came criticism from the army.  I received in my AKO an email from DoD Information Assurance, Special Operations Division requesting my closure of my BLOG.  I did not register my BLOG as I was required to.  Well, I somehow to them am still listed as a NCO.  Once that was cleared up, I was just pissed. 

See, one of my six factors I am working on is my anger towards the army fro the way I was treated with my injuries, my MEB, and during the closure of Hanau, how this PCS was just a crap on the guy.  I am too nice and did not stand up for myself enough against the brass I guess but in the long run since 1998 when I got injured, the organization has failed over and over again.

The worse part is I am an army brat, 4th Generation and I have 4 other realitives in the army as I speak. My father was one of the 6 (a true Sigmund) in Vietnam working to treat soldiers suffering from shell shock. He was an army doctor, a psychiatrist. My father told me that the army was a great place to serve as long as you do not have a mind of your own. The army does not know how to communicate and does not listen he would often tell me. One of his biggest issues with West Point and the commissioned corps was they teach you not to listen to troops, to shut out the concerns. You cannot conduct a mission if you listen or care about those you are about to send to die. The bad part, the medical officers feel the same way……

Still, though I am pissed, I count down the days and I feel great. I still have healing to do but I am free of the thought that took me to the brink of the dark abyss. I am my own god, I could have created anything from my own death but I have much more to create out of this life. My made a goal………104! yes, 104, that is one hot birthday cake…imagine what you can do whit that wax! wink wink, say no more!