Factors of the Mind Fuck

For the past 9 months, 6 factors have haunted me which in turn added to the burning urge to do the unthinkable. In fact there are 7. I neglect number 5 but it had a major impact and its contribution must be included. Then there is number 7 which I speak of little but which is has an overall impact upon my inner being. I often get these factors confused with one another as well as with minor factors in my life as they all spin in my head depending upon how I feel. The major 7 are:

1- 1995 – Young Stud, Young Blood
Oh I can still taste the young stud’s blood; sweet and warm. It was the first time I tasted someone else’s blood. It was like the first time you kill a deer, an odd excitement of being god. You go into a blood rage wanting more. I became god for I realized I can make life and I can take it away. Know what is crazy part is? It is way too easy. You do not have to think and humans are so fragile. You can even watch the life drain from the eyes. It is a sickening pleasure and that is why I think I have such problems, I enjoyed it.

2- 1998 – Table XII, no pain no gain
Within seconds, my life was transformed and I was made to repent for my sins. I created my purgatory and suffering by leaving myself in constant pain. A pain destined to only get worse as I get older. I should have died this day but I was forced to live with the pain and disabilities associated with it. I am also forced to listen to Dr’s talk about alternate pain methods and military’s aid not to mention the VA’s pre and post 911 transformation efforts. They try but the efforts are like a coke addict smoking pot, a good start, but still a connection to the past.

3- mTBI – III times the Pleasure and the cognitive phase
Associated with number 2, yes number 2 and boy do I feel fully constipated! So what the hell is this mess? This shit is defined as: “Moderate Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) occurs when an outside force traumatically injures the brain. TBI can cause a host of physical, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral effects, and outcome can range from complete recovery to permanent disability or death. Depending on the injury, treatment required may be minimal or may include interventions such as medications and emergency surgery”.

4- PTSD – The unexpected visions dead stud’s eyes
Mar 96 – Drink baby Drink
Aug 98 – Accident but drugged up and happy
Sep 00 – Kicked out, drugs out, drinking starts again
Feb 01 – Bloody eyes start coming to me in my dreams, every fucking night
Mar 01 – Wife leaves, seems I’m emotional, angry, moody
Mar 01 – 9mm goes pop, Point blank, missed leaving a round in the wall
Nov 01 – Move to Germany, life becomes stable, feel at peace but dreams continue
Jan 02 – Moods and Cognitive issues emerge at work, referred for treatment
Aug 02 – Reunited with my current wife, she stabilizes my mind, my thoughts
Nov 08 – Close down Hanau Military Community
Dec 08 – Move into hotel preparing for PCS to states, become edgy, moody again
Jan 09 – Start working at WTB, mood changes, become distant and withdrawn from family
Feb09 – Went gun shopping and wow, saw an AA12, its 100 round barrels looks good to me
Mar 09 – Forced to watch “Beyond the Front”, wow, this had a major negative affect due to my past.
Mar 09 – Fusion vs 18 log truck pulling back afraid of surviving
Mar 09 – Went gun shopping and still long for the Black Water AA12, got approved for order
Apr 09 – Sought help from WINN Army Hospital and the WTB. Denied
Apr 09 – Went for appointment at Savannah VA, received immediate care
Jun 09 – Bloody eyes still visit my dreams; I wake each night around 3 to 4 am
Oct 09 – With drugs, the eyes come only once and a while but now I do not wake up, oh shit!
Feb 10 – I will be saying GOOD BYE to Military and Civil Service.

5- PCS – Watching home from the window of a 777
I felt comfortable in Germany where I was not judged for whom I was or what I believed. I felt free and I had more freedoms that I have here in the US. WOW, that says something we should consider! I was cared for by the people and the medical community. The care I received was top notch and when there was a medical problem, I was taken seriously. There was no racism and I felt safer in my home. I closed down several military installations watching my connection to America depart and was feeling comfortable with the possibilities for remaining unaided by SOFA.

I almost remained in Europe but then chose to return to the US and took a PPP appointment. This was for a chance of giving something more to my family, something my kids has never had, the American dream. I based my decision upon what I remembered of the states back in 1995. But what I found is the freedom I help fight for, that I stood for, that I wore the uniform for had been stripped away, eroded over the past 14 years by political conservatism and religious fundamentalism.

It is no longer the free country I talked to my children of and even they noticed as they lost rights that they enjoyed in Europe. Even my children have lost freedoms in my choice to return to the Land of the free. We all found that Europe offers more freedom, more understand and less racism than America. We are homesick. I am sorry I brought my family here and feel guilty for my choice that robbed them; I feel I took them to CCCP, to a country where they have to be mindful of what they say, do and of what they believe. They have already been criticized for their beliefs and they are only 10.

Don’t you see what has become of our country or have the changes happened so slow you have become complacent to them? Or worse, have you allowed them willingly? The thing about the freedoms in our country is they are not for an individual but for all. If we abuse the freedoms, we lose the freedoms. There are some in our country who think since they have a right to do something, that they have the RIGHT to DO, and they abuse this right to the point of taking rights away from others. This abuse cannot be permitted and in the end, only results in the loss of freedoms for not only one but for many people within the country.

Freedom is a balance and we must balance them for the whole, not the single person, not for the single religious or extremist group. If we continue down the path we are currently headed, we will fall in the same manner as

6- Photography, welcome to the religious south.
I had to put away my camera and stop my photography. I had in Europe full artistic freedom which allowed me to publish a book or fine art nude and erotic photography through Edition-Skylight. I shot models from Russia, Czech Republic, France, and Germany. I could shoot them anywhere, any place. They were open minded and professional. Here, I have to well, I do not know, where are the quality professionals? Where can I shoot? Nudes forget it for the church will burn a cross upon my skull. I had to change my webpage and cannot exhibit some beautiful artwork and am almost afraid to show my commercial work from Europe.

Yes, Europeans are more open so some of my commercial work has topless women, but Americans act as if they have never seen a Tit before. But the state of Georgia rake number 9 in Adult Material Sales in the US. Hold on. Do not show it in an Art Gallery. Do not make it Art! Make it sleazy, demeaning to women and take it to the bathroom while the wife is not home, but keep this photographer and others hidden, heaven forbid they show the female body as something beautiful instead of a fuck toy! Religious and Conservative Hypocrites! I fear no more!!!!

7- Negative Work Environment
At this time, this is all I will comment upon. There were things that occurred and things still ongoing that affected my mood. Currently I do not care and have such a positive attitude, 1 for the drugs I am on and 2 for I have a date of departure and 3, I am going to rock this fucking county with my photography!

Ok, I ramble, but I wanted to put it out, for I was not detailed in the past. I also spoke about them to Not Alone but while speaking to Not Alone, I realized how angry I was, hell re-reading this, I still see how angry I am! I have a long way to go.

I have desires, thoughts, feelings that so many share. I am confused in my thoughts. I sometimes do not know who I am. I feel numb in life as if I am not a part of it. So while I am here, I will document it as I see it.  I am working on a new post where I will tell you some of how it is to go from a soldier to a photographer….I will hit on my past life as well but it is a dream and to be honest, I do not remember much. I lost a lot of my past memories, I have fragments and it comes and goes. But I will try.

Please feel free to leave comments, to visit my homepage (troopm.com) or to share this with your friends. I am obnoxious with my voice and talk about how I feel at the moment. Just remember, no animals were hurt in making this blog, just in making the man behind it.